The Dance of the Four Santas
Explanation 1: According to an ancient Sanscrit myth, in the last days, the Santa of the North will meet with his three brothers around a tea light the size of a watermelon. When they dance together, the sun will stop rising, and all the good little boys and girls of the world will join the Godhead Nahasapeemapetilon in an eternal spring of tinsel, packages, and serious chocolate overdose.
Explanation 2: When the Four Santas join hands, their forms join in the Kringlemecha Jingle Robot Ikezama, to fight the evil minions of Witch Bandora.
Explanation 3: Four department store Santas on a mission to find the true meaning of Christmas each recieved a magical ring. When they hold their rings together, they summon Super Hero Jesus, who rides in a sleigh drawn by eight tiny apostles, to fight villains like Madeline Murray O'Hare and her gay pagan henchcat, Nietze.
Explanation 4: They make some weird things in China, don't they?
I'm totally going with explanation 2. It's the only one that really makes sense to me.
"Oh, Mary, those swaddling clothes, mmm, they've got to go, sweetheart. I mean, really, I wouldn't want to be seen dead on a Christmas card wearing that, I mean, am I right, Melchior? Sweetie, just trust me, I'm a wise man, you know? Well of course I know what I'm talking about, what do you think the gift of the magi was, a box of Ferrar-Roche? Now if you'll just lend me your sweet little shepherd over there for the journey home, I'm just a little bit tired of riding my camel, if you know what I mean..."
Do NOT fuck with Mr and Mrs. Claus.
This year, the good little boys and girls will be getting their special Christmas gifts, ho ho ho. The bad ones, we break their knee with 'Seasons Greetings', here. Maybe next year they'll try a little harder to make the good list, yeah? The real naughty kiddies...well, let's just say, there's all kinds of room in Mrs. Claus's stocking for the bad eggs.
...Oh boy, if I ever saw this guy climbing down my chimney, I'd piddle myself and you couldn't get me out from under the bed until at LEAST "Three French Hens." Really, it looks like he's going to wait for some kid to climb onto his lap, cosh him with whatever the heck that hammer thing is under his arm, and shove him in the sack. Fear the Santa, man, fear the Santa.
The Adoration of the Teddy
This was the part the Catholic church cut out of the Secret Gospel of Thomas. The 'Word made Flesh' was a star-spangled patriotic teddy. And I think Christianity would sell better if instead of a pain-wracked bleeding martyr on a cross, salvation came bearing the words "Best Wishes" on its sacred heart.
Balthazar at the right is clearly skeptical. He's thinking, "This brother is taking his myrrh and finding himself a better manger."
The angel is thinking, "This is good. People will remember this for centuries."
The photographer is thinking "...[snicker] bears..."
I hope he's singing.
Because, if not, the only other time I've seen that facial expression is on an inflatable doll. Though really, this little statue really is very inflatable dollish. That's rude, though. Clearly, he was caught in the "ooehl" part of "The First Noel," and I'm being unreasonably cruel to him.
Or maybe he was singing "O Come, All ye faithful."
And now, we leave you to your Christmas preparations, yule festivities, and winter revels, knowing that, whatever you do, the FEARSOME FLOATING SNOWMAN GOD WATCHES YOU.
Best wishes of the season, Spotty :)