Spotty Logic (spottylogic) wrote in thrifthorror,
Spotty Logic
spottylogic
thrifthorror

What a terrible idea.

8-27-06GWstassneyooze1

"Tell Santa what you want for Christmas, little boy."

In a high-pitched, cherubic voice, the waif said "I want an Oozinator, Santa."

"I won't even ask if you've been a good boy, then."

Oh, why? What exec thought this gem would be a marketable product? I don't doubt for an instant that the kiddies would LOVE it. I mean, it projects a blast of green slime some 15 feet. Great jumping Christ on a Sit'n'Spin, what kid wouldn't want that? There's a kid you don't like? Slime him. That sh*t will never come out of his hair. And what the hell, let's slime the dog, too. And the carpet, oh yes.

To avoid lawsuits, there's a useful notice:
8-27-06GWstassneyooze2

"Super Soaker is not responsible for any injuries resulting from OOZINATOR. Do not aim OOZINATOR at eyes, or any orifice. OOZINATOR slime product may contain 1-3-7 trimethyl xanthine, which is known to cause intense irritability in parents. If OOZINATOR slime product comes in contact with mouth, eyes, or mucus membranes, bounce around like a lunatic and scream at the top of your lungs. Super Soaker Inc. is not liable for any injuries sustained as a result of screaming at the top of your lungs."

What happens if you get oozinator slime on you? What strange properties does it posess? If your carpet, walls, or toddler has been irrevocably stained by this fiendish device, you may wish to join your local chapter of Pissed Off Parents Against Ooze (PAPAO), meeting every third Wednesday at the Starbucks on 14th and Washington.

8-27-06GWstassneyooze3

Note the children at right. Is the Oozinator merely a symptom of moral decay in our society, or something much more sinister? Perhaps its greenish residue is not so much a whimsical albiet disgusting play-substance as it is a manifestation of our internal corruption. View the grim delight, the anguish, the fierce, predatory joy shown at right.

And what, I must ask, is bio-ooze? So many questions. Can I refill my Oozinator with whatever the hell is in the pot at the right rear of my refrigerator? I think it used to be mushroom stroganoff, but it might be bio-ooze by now. It's a little more pinkish-blue than the cold-and-flu green on the box, but the texture's pretty similer.

Still not sold? Let youtube sell you. Don't dig too deep, though. Some people have found the Oozinator to be suggestive, even obscene. I confess, my mind didn't go there, at least not immediately. I must be working too hard. I certainly wouldn't mind meeting someone with a 10-ounce bio-ooze capacity, though it must be difficult to sit comfortably.

Found at several Goodwills in Austin, more or less simultaneously, along with a great many refill kits. I'm sure there's a story behind the pile of 10 of these fine products, still in packages.
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  • Presented without comment

    I present to you the award for your favorite manbaby.

  • Vintage books

    I love this delightfully tacky cover art: Special thanks to the Oxfam bookshop in Dumfries, Scotland, for permitting me to photograph some of the…

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